Have you ever noticed how often we grant one another such flimsy apologies?
When Cindy and I went through our difficult season years ago, our earliest work led us to examine more closely the issue of forgiveness. Today, as a result of that work, I use a 7-point outline to help men write out a full and adequate apology to their wives when these men have brought trauma into the marriage. No flimsy apology will do here.
Last week’s blog introduced the idea that one person can change the culture of a marriage. Even if the other person doesn’t desire a change, a well-placed question can initiate a dialogue that will change the atmosphere in the home. The change has to start in the heart of the person who has been offended. This person has to adopt a redemptive heart toward the marriage. This spouse must see the greater purpose of God in the marriage, and be moved by The Spirit to pursue the deeper matters of the heart.
This week I have another question the redemptive partner can ask.
We offend each other. We hurt with our words and actions, and most if not all of it stems from our attitudes. Our attitudes give rise to hurtful words and actions, and we damage the intimacy of our relationships. Then what follows?
The offended party raises objections and complaints, and the offender gets defensive and angry. Both sides raise their banner of righteousness, and a standoff ensues. Eventually both parties withdraw from one another, emotionally if not geographically. This separation sometimes works for the good, as it can give the offender the quietness to hear from God. When the offender is gently rebuked by The Father, then there can be a move toward reconciliation. Here’s how it can happen.
The offender approaches and says, “I’m sorry. My fault. I guess I was wrong. Please forgive me.”
Sounds good, doesn’t it? Sounds adequate. It’s what we all do. I own it. I acknowledge my part. Then I go for the closer and ask for the magic wand to be waved over me, and forgiveness to be granted. Verbally. So I can hear it and be sure it is spoken. Then I will know I’m off the hook.
But here’s where another powerful question can emerge. Here’s where the offended spouse can change the climate and intimacy of the marriage. The offended person should now say something like the following,
“I do forgive you, but I have a question for you: Why did you do it?“
“I do forgive you . . . but what made you do that?”
. . . what made you say that?”
Did you want to hurt me? Did you know that would hurt me?
Are you angry with me? Was that payback for something I did?
This line of questioning is, of course, more threatening. However, it is seeking for more revelation, and with more revelation will come more vulnerability. Vulnerability is a key to intimacy. So, by asking these questions, the offended person is seeking to redeem the relationship out of the potential for the same episode to happen all over again another day. She is stopping the crazy train. She is seeking a deeper answer, and is asking the offender to move from the Shallow-Hal-apology to the deeper place of self-awareness.
You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.
Does the offender know why he did it/said it? Is he in touch with the intentions of his heart? His greatest spiritual breakthrough is on the verge of happening when these questions are asked. For great spiritual breakthroughs come from deep inner journeys into the motives of the heart. Great transformations come from great inner awareness. When the offender is forced to look beyond his words, and beyond his actions, to begin to see the attitudes at work in his heart, then the offender can see what is motivating him.
Is he angry?
Is he frustrated with her?
Has he been hurt, and he’s not recognizing it?
Was he hurt earlier, and this was payback?
These questions, following his apology, will lead to a redemptive conversation, hopefully. If the offender is willing to listen to his heart and listen to the Holy Spirit’s voice, then he can see his own need for the healing and renovation of his heart. He can see his need for the fuller work of the cross in his own soul (his flesh).
And God can change him at the level of Identity.
-Carter