Does this happen in your marriage, or with a parent or loved-one you are close to? It can happen over and over again in a relationship where one person has a much stronger, dominant personality.
Let’s say it’s the wife with the strong personality. Suppose the husband approaches with a concern about a very valid issue that he has, and he wants to discuss it (e.g., keeping the car cleaner; re-arranging the garage; Thanksgiving with his parents, etc). However, the wife likes life on her terms only, so she pushes back if she doesn’t like the direction of the conversation. Her response is to “get large” in one of her various ways, to get the husband to back off and walk away. If the husband persists and continues to press the issue/topic, then the wife begins to attack his mental health in regard to the topic (“You’re crazy if you think we’re doing that!”), and undermines his confidence in the validity of his concern.
The conversation blows up into the same old raised voices, and only ends when he walks away bruised and frustrated. What happened is that the husband let the conversation shift to being about him instead of keeping it about the topic of concern. The conflict ends feeling like she always wins and he always loses.
One person can change a marriage.[1] One person can alter the way this “game” is played, and thereby initiate a change in the regular, crazy way of operating. In this case, the husband needs to make a shift in his strategy.
- Instead of approaching and saying, “We NEED to do so-n-so in our household,” or “We have a problem . . .” or even worse, “You have a problem I’d like to talk about,” the husband should instead start it this way: “I WANT to start doing so-n-so in our home,” or “I’m unhappy about the so-n-so in our house.” This takes it away from sounding like he is “bossing” the wife into doing something that he wants her to do without her input. It is now being presented as a desire in his heart. This shift is crucial.
- The wife, of course, will continue to play her same game and say something like, “I don’t think we need to do anything differently.” She will be oppositional, because she doesn’t want anything to be required of her. Therefore, to keep his shifting strategy in play, the husband needs to ask this question next:
“Are you saying that what I want/need/feel doesn’t matter to you?”
Pastorally, this wife needs to see that her controlling selfishness is manifesting as a lack of care about her husband’s heart and what matters to him. She is not operating in mutual love and respect, and his question will expose that in her.
Now, to merely point out that she is being selfish is not the end of the game. Marriages need healing, and that means that both spouses need healing from issues that were in their hearts long before they got married.
To illustrate, when the wife likes “life on her terms,” that’s probably because growing up she never got anything to go her way. She got nothing on her terms. She perhaps had a mother who demanded that life be on her terms, and so as a little girl this wife grew up feeling deprived, mistreated, or neglected by her mother. Today in the marriage, when life shows up going against her wishes, by golly, she will not allow herself to live again under the “same mistreatment” of her childhood, so she fights back, demands, and throws an adult-size fit to resist or to get her way. She thinks she is doing this because she is being treated unfairly. She is not, but she has no capacity to see that this is her own self-protective flesh, and that her husband is not “mistreating” her. The wife has a blind-spot.
When the husband asks his important question, “Are you saying that what I want/need/feel doesn’t matter to you?” he will be asking the question that can begin to expose the blind-spot.
This is how we can help our marriages. Quit fighting, it is only making things worse. Speak in terms of what YOU desire/want/feel. Then if you are not regarded, please ask why not? “Are you saying that what I want/need/feel is not important to you?”
This can bring revelation to your spouse’s blind-spot. Then follow up with grace and peace, without accusation and charges of felony crimes being committed against you. Instead, follow up with quiet dialogue about how “we are hurting each other.” Ask one another if we need some coaching or counseling to learn to live with more care and regard for one another.
Learning new skills like this can help you manifest the change God made in you at the level of Identity.
-Carter
[1] The change might be that the other spouse now wants out of the marriage because the “dance” is no longer according to their desires. So, the change might be a divorce, sadly. But perhaps the first spouse will no longer be in a marriage where they are being mistreated, harshly judged and criticized, or held in contempt.