Most of us will automatically re-live our family values and relationship foibles, unless we interrupt our interior dialogue, and take it captive to Christ.
Richard grew up in a harsh home where there was never any empathy, sympathy or compassion. His dad was over 6’5″, large and in charge, with a booming voice to complement his size. His father was arrogant and condescending, and never allowed anyone else in the house to be right. There was never any honor passed down to the kids, no praise for their successes, no affirmation for their accomplishments. Richard grew up never knowing his father’s approval. A father’s broken story was now creating a broken story for his son, as his father yelled, screamed and intimidated everyone in the house, including mom.
But Richard came to Christ after college, while he was also trained in corporate sales. He learned how to control conversations with potential customers, and he thrived in the competition of the business world. Thus, his training and education, combined with his life story, caused Richard to miss out on how to come out of his broken story; thus, he grew to be intimidating, manipulating and controlling of his own wife and children. Though he hated how his father had treated him, regrettably, Richard was becoming the same way with his own family. He had to win every argument, prove everyone else wrong, and parent with the same harshness under which he had been raised.
Up until now.
Richard came on Pure Heart Weekend last year where he had a miraculous encounter with Christ. He has been faithful to remain in the process of dialogue, listening and talking to God about his story, the pain of his back-story, the lies he bought, and the flesh patterns that grew from the harsh home he was raised in. And Richard’s journey is bearing fruit.
This weekend Richard’s son, David, was home from college, and as they were sitting in the kitchen they noticed through the window a fledgling bird flapping its wings in the grass as if it had just been kicked out of the nest. Here’s how Richard described what happened:
“I said, Hey, look at that Mockingbird . . . I wonder if it’s fresh out of the nest?’
“David said: ‘I think it’s a BlueJay.’ (because he saw blue feathers).
“We went outside to get a closer look, and the bird flapped its wings again, and I too saw the blue. It was a BlueJay; however, at that instant I didn’t want to give indication that I was wrong . . . you know, the curse of my father’s home and his need to always be right was stirring in my soul. Like my father, I wanted to be right, too! But I quickly recognized my thinking, and I pivoted, ‘Oh, you’re right, son, it is a BlueJay. Good call. Good eyes!’ Amazingly, I could feel this burn of shame in my heart . . . you know, for not being right . . . and having to acknowledge that I was wrong . . . but I knew how important it would be to come out of my backstory and affirm my son . . . but such a response was so contrary to my whole life! Yet, the Holy Spirit had my attention, and was training me.
“Then my son unwittingly yanked my chain. He poked the very shame I was stifling. He looked at me with a gloat in his face, a “mocking” look that seemed to say, Haha! I’m right and you’re wrong! Remember, I had re-created my father’s culture in my home as my kids grew up, and I had never let my son be right, so —not unexpectedly— he was finding it hard to suppress his glee that, at long last, he was right about something!
“But the Holy Spirit kept His presence in my thought process. He reminded me that my own father would never admit that he was wrong, and would certainly never acknowledge another person’s superiority at anything. But this is what God and I are changing! Not only in my house, but in my heart. So, I did not make any disparaging comment to David’s gleeful gloat. Joy was emerging as I saw what was unfolding in the Mind of Christ within me.”
Richard later approached his son and told him what had happened in his heart earlier. He told David about his internal conversation with the Holy Spirit, and about changing his past familiar behavior so as to acknowledge and honor him (David) for being right. David thanked his dad for sharing the process he went through, and thanked his dad, too, for exhibiting the new growth. It was a great moment for their relationship.
This is the renewing of the mind (Rom 12:2). This is “taking every thought captive to Christ” (2 Cor 10:4-5). This is walking in the Spirit. Thanks, Richard, for letting me tell your story.
Carter