As I wrote last week, I went off to Bible College and I was not so godly. I was living in my false self, “Dazzling Basketball Player.” Yeah, not very spiritual. So, I am attending classes with these other people, many of them slightly older than I. Some of them have come to know Christ in the military, or after years in a blue-collar job, or out of the hippie movement. They are passionate about studying the Bible, talking about the Lord Jesus with one another, and even huddling together to pray on occasion. But not me. Not so much. As I said, I was not very spiritual. In fact, I don’t think I had ever been spiritual in my life up to that point. (That should be a future blog: “what does it mean to be spiritual?”)
I remember that freshman year, I came under some kind of pressure to set my alarm clock thirty minutes earlier and get up to read my Bible and pray. Today, I realize it was the Holy Spirit wanting to teach me something. Sometime in the first semester I decided it was time for me to join the ranks of the godly, and start having what we called, A Quiet Time. It was time for me to get up early in the morning and start reading my Bible and praying. So, the first morning, when the alarm went off, I turned on the light, sat up in bed, pulled my Bible off the nearby table, and started reading. I don’t remember what I read. But after a few minutes, I said some prayers, and then I got up to shower, dress, eat breakfast and head to the campus.
The next morning, I woke up to the early alarm, again. I pulled my Bible over from the table. I leaned over on my elbow, and as I read, I started to fall back to sleep. So, I sat up, did my best to continue reading, and then said some prayers, but couldn’t complete a full thirty minutes. No biggie, I will do more time tomorrow, I said, and I hit the shower.
The third morning, I woke up to the alarm. I pulled my Bible over and opened it up. I started to read. I started to sleep. I felt really tired. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep. I awoke later in a panic, and hit the shower running late for school.
That fourth morning, the alarm went off. I didn’t turn the light on. But I said one of the most honest prayers I ever prayed in my life. I said, “Lord, I really don’t feel like reading my Bible. I don’t want to get up early . . . I would rather sleep. My heart is not in this, and I don’t want to be phony with you. But one day you will change me. One day you will change me and I will want to read my Bible and pray. So, I will wait for you to change me, and then we will enjoy this morning time together.”
I prayed something like that. I know for sure that my prayer included that phrase, “one day you will change me.” One day was not that day, nor the next. I quit setting my alarm clock ahead for thirty minutes, and I went about my college life. Eight months later, the change came. By grace.
No one taught me that prayer, but God. I think my prayer that weary morning was actually the result of His grace training my heart. If Grace is the invisible, wonder-working power of God that moves upon our hearts, to bring about a change (Ezek 36:27; Titus 2:12), then in my prayer that morning, I was merely praying for grace. I was giving God permission to do His work upon my heart, to change my heart into one that wants to get up early and read the Bible and pray.
I had no idea at the time, but I was praying a prayer for God to change me in accordance with my identity; so that if I got up early to read the Bible and pray it would be because that is who I am, and not because it was someone’s religious rule for me.
Are you struggling in the tension of knowing what God would have of you, but not having the desire within yourself to do it? Then I recommend this prayer for grace.
“God, I don’t want to force this new behavior.
I don’t want to change myself in my own strength.
If You say, “not by might, not by power, but by My Spirit” (Zechariah 4:6)
Then I will wait for Your Spirit to change me.
I’m willing to be changed, if you will change me.”
-Carter