Jeri came to see me because she’s unhappy in her marriage. She and Russell met in college, and both of them had come from small towns where their families were very involved in church. Jeri figured that in a marriage to Russell, they too, would be as faithful and as spiritually-minded as their parents. But, alas.
After 18 years of marriage, she was unhappy. Jeri was wounded by Russell’s lack of attention, his outbursts of anger, and the fact that he put her down in front of the children. Jeri felt lonely and often frustrated with the way her husband spent his evenings. There were no Bible studies with other couples. The Wednesday night class on Biblical finances, he said, would be a waste of time. Oh, he loved God, she figured, but Russell was not verbally or demonstrably involved with God. Not anymore than he was with Jeri.
However, Jeri was trying hard to make it a good marriage. She cooked and cleaned, hustled the kids to their activities, and forced herself to be available for intimacy with him most of the time that he asked for it. She had set up counseling appointments in the past, but he never went, and she went for only a few sessions.
To Russell, the marriage was fine, as long as she played her “role.” Yet, she was so unhappy. She wanted the marriage to be so much more, but was growing more hurt, more lonely, and silently more angry.
What would you tell her?
Often our first words of counsel are to help her think of more ways that she could work to make the marriage better. What other things could she do differently, cleverly, or more consistently? What this approach would boil down to is, what else could she do to work harder “without a word, so as to win her husband’s obedience” (I Peter 3:1)?
When we give this kind of advice, we put her under more stress. We put her under the bondage of “the law.” (Here’s three things you need to do to have a healthy, happy marriage . . .)
But what if her heart is in the wrong place? Let me challenge you with a thought: What if her activity is taking precedence over her identity?
That is, what if she is sacrificing the joy of living in her true identity on the altar of “A Good Marriage” (whatever that is!). She is making her marriage her god, a good marriage her idol, which will not make her ultimately happy?
Could “A Good Marriage” be a god to us? Would that be putting another “god” before the Lord our God?
What is our greatest identity? Living as the beloved child of the Father, sharing life with the Son, and walking in companionship with the Holy Spirit.
We were created “to glorify God, and enjoy Him forever,” says one of our greatest Christian declarations (The Westminster Catechism), for apparently, we are His greatest pursuit, too. We are more important than all of creation to Him!
So, what happens when your desire for a better marriage becomes more important than all of creation to you? Could that yearning for more happiness replace your yearning for intimacy with God? Whatever we love the most will rule our lives. Are we unhappy in our marriages because we have made idols out of them, and “the marriage” is now failing to help us “live happily ever after?”
My desire was to help Jeri see that perhaps she was unhappy in her marriage because “living in a good marriage” had become her identity. She needed to focus on her first love, not her husband’s love. Let’s face it, marriage is hard. It’s difficult, and often our companionship is more of a burden instead of a comfort. Maybe God knew that our wounds, lies and flesh would always make our marriages more difficult; and therefore, our greatest happiness could only come in intimacy with Him (Psalm 16:2; 73:1).
I’m not trying to be cynical, but out of nearly 8,000 verses in the New Testament, only 20 verses in the epistles talk about marriage. Maybe marriage, like all of life, works better when we have no idols. Since the marriage was created to be a picture of our relationship with God, then perhaps the unhappiness in our marriage is a picture of our lack of intimacy with God. Our true spiritual focus should be our intimacy with Him. Generally speaking —not true in all circumstances— our marriage will be satisfying to the degree that our spiritual intimacy with God is satisfying.
( I know you will have some comments. Leave them below)
Carter