Many people… don’t think they are loved, or held safe
and so when suffering comes they see it as
an affirmation of their worthlessness.
The great question of the spiritual life is to learn
to live our brokenness under blessing and not the curse.”
– Henri Nouwen
My friend and colleague Lauren sent this quote in an email the other day. Nouwen divides between spirit and soul, and between blessing and curse. We are going to suffer in life, but will we endure it as a blessed child of The Father, or as under the curse of The Fall of Man?
I often meet with people whose adult lives are deeply affected by the lack of nurture and acceptance in the home they grew up in. One man told me that when he was in his late teens, his mother finally admitted that, “No, I didn’t really want children. Your father did, so I consented to have you and your little sister.”
I’m not a psychologist, but I know some of the implications of growing up in this kind of home. A child needs plenty of holding, rocking, singing, laughing, tickling, cuddling . . . and other affirming behaviors that communicate to that infant that she is wanted, loved and treasured. If parents are negligent, giving only the bare essential time and attention to the baby, it is amazing, but the child knows that something is wrong! The child’s emotional heart and brain are always looking for patterns, and making meaning out of those patterns. Biblically, we are made by God to be bonding people. Thus, when love, acceptance and nurture (i.e., bonding) are scarce, the spirit of a child knows that something’s amiss.
This is why these adults have looked at me with a look of amazement when I say to them, “I’ll bet you have felt lonely all of your life?” It’s more than that they are amazed that I could’ve figured that out. It’s that they are now “seeing” it too for the first time.
This is suffering. 
This man suffered from a form of emotional abandonment; emotional orphan-hood.
The suffering consists of this: mental and emotional torture arises from the thoughts forming in the brain and settling in the heart, that I am not wanted. This thought in the heart persists like a nagging cough. Periodically, but daily, the child is interpreting everything negative in his life as validation and further proof of this one truth: I am not wanted.
Then life brings plenty more suffering, suffering that further validates and proves, I’m not wanted. See? I told you so.
When Lauren sent me the quote above, she asked a question that contained its own answer. She asked, “How important is understanding our identity, and the character of God?” Yes. We are going to suffer but our identity will determine our chance of enduring it with glory.
First, we must know the character of God. As we have mentioned in the blog before, the God we worship is not mad at us. He is not angry with us, nor does He rebuke us (Isaiah 54:10). He is not punishing us. When we encounter persecution from others, it’s not God (Isaiah 54:15). However, suffering can come from our own conduct as we get persecuted for righteousness sake. But we should rejoice that we are counted worthy to suffer in the same way Christ did. Let us be glad when His life is revealed in us through this suffering (I Peter 4:12-13).
But along with knowing His character, we can endure suffering by knowing our identity. God chose me before creation (Eph 1:4), and He wants me. He has wanted me ever since He first thought of me. At the moment His infinite mind burst forth with my name and my life, He was in love with me (Jer 31:3). The first thing is to heal this shame-based identity (I am not wanted) that we have adopted and clung to. My parents might have failed to love me well. My friends and spouse might be failing, too. But only one Voice gets to declare my identity:
I’m a Holy, Righteous Child of God . . . who once in life was not loved well by others.
I’m a Chosen, Beloved son of God . . . and I have been wanted from all eternity
by my loving Father in Heaven.
I am His and He is mine. Can’t wait to get home to Him.
Life is difficult and you will suffer. You will live your brokenness under a curse if you do not know the character of God and your identity in Christ. If your suffering is crushing you, depressing you or destroying you, then perhaps your Father’s first blessing for you is to change you at the deepest level, at the level of Identity.
-Carter